funny

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. – Jay London

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. – Cathy Guisewite

I rant, therefore I am. – Dennis Miller

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. – Johnny Vegas

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. – Robert Benchley

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. – Eddie Izzard

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. – James Thurber

Never put a sock in a toaster. – Eddie Izzard

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. – Logan P. Smith

I wish I had the nerve not to tip. – Paul Lynde

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. – Spike Milligan

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love. – Joe E. Lewis

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. – Norman Wisdom

I can speak Esperanto like a native. – Spike Milligan

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? – Elayne Boosler

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint. – Don Marquis

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. – Lenny Bruce