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funny

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. – Will Rogers

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. – Saint Augustine

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. – H. L. Mencken

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. – Spike Milligan

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. – Kevin Nealon

The superfluous, a very necessary thing. – Voltaire

The next time you have a thought… let it go. – Ron White

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? – W. Clement Stone

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. – Victor Hugo

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth. – Logan P. Smith

All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. – Joan Rivers

California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange. – Fred Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

My life needs editing. – Mort Sahl

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns