I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. – Fred Allen
I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host. – David Letterman
I think serial monogamy says it all. – Tracey Ullman
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. – Richard Lewis
My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. – Angie Dickinson
All my children inherited perfect pitch. – Chevy Chase
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. – George Lopez
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. – Howard Nemerov
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. – Chevy Chase
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. – Dennis Miller
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. – Dylan Moran
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. – Bill Cosby
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. – George Bernard Shaw
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. – Dr. Seuss
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. – Mitch Hedberg
It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger. – Gertrude Stein
I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet. – Angelina Jolie
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. – George Orwell
It is not funny that anything else should fall down only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified. – Gilbert K. Chesterton
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. – Stephen King
