funny

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

Every man has his follies – and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. – Josh Billings

Never floss with a stranger. – Joan Rivers

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. – Demetri Martin

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. – Mel Brooks

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. – Josh Billings

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object. – Laurence J. Peter

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. – Marilyn vos Savant

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem

I like marriage. The idea. – Toni Morrison

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. – George Burns

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. – Mike Myers

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. – Naguib Mahfouz

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? – Margaret Smith

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. – Les Dawson

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. – Dave Barry

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs. – Alfred Hitchcock

Communism is like one big phone company. – Lenny Bruce

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder? – Don Rickles