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funny

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. – Robert Benchley

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn. – Hesiod

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. – Lewis Black

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. – Robert Benchley

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected. – Robert Orben

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. – Woody Allen

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. – Frank Lloyd Wright

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! – Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. – Steve Martin

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. – Ellen DeGeneres

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. – Samuel Butler

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. – Johnny Carson

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? – James Thurber

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen

Polite conversation is rarely either. – Fran Lebowitz

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. – Rob Corddry