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funny

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. – Winston Churchill

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. – George Carlin

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. – Mae West

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. – Will Rogers

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. – Mitch Hedberg

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement. – Ronald Reagan

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin

One picture is worth 1,000 denials. – Ronald Reagan

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? – Arnold Schwarzenegger

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. – Don Marquis

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. – Billy Connolly

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. – Joe E. Lewis

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry A. Kissinger

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. – Erma Bombeck