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funny

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

I never said most of the things I said. – Yogi Berra

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W. C. Fields

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. – Warren Buffett

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. – Emo Philips

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. – Imelda Marcos

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood

He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. – Calvin Coolidge

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. – Bertrand Russell

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

I like children – fried. – W. C. Fields

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money. – Bob Hope