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funny

Every mans dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. – Jerry Lewis

When we talk to God, were praying. When God talks to us, were schizophrenic. – Jane Wagner

Its simple, if it jiggles, its fat. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another persons plate. – Dave Barry

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… its dirty. – Mitch Hedberg

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle thats 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says go outside. – Demetri Martin

If God wanted us to bend over hed put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

Youre only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz

Theres no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. – Kevin James

People always ask me, Were you funny as a child? Well, no, I was an accountant. – Ellen DeGeneres

If I had to live my life again, Id make the same mistakes, only sooner. – Tallulah Bankhead

Men dont care whats on TV. They only care what else is on TV. – Jerry Seinfeld

One mans folly is another mans wife. – Helen Rowland

Id luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. – Bette Davis

If it werent for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, wed still be eating frozen radio dinners. – Johnny Carson

I was the kid next doors imaginary friend. – Emo Philips

Ive always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. – Billy Connolly

If at first you dont succeed, blame your parents. – Marcelene Cox

Until you walk a mile in another mans moccasins you cant imagine the smell. – Robert Byrne

Never fight an inanimate object. – P. J. ORourke