This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… its dirty. – Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg
I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that. – Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But Im not addicted to gambling. Im addicted to sitting in a semi circle. – Mitch Hedberg
I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where Im from. I wouldnt move back there, but its funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way. – Jarvis Cocker