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funny

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another mans, I mean. – Mark Twain

If two wrongs dont make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

Be thankful were not getting all the government were paying for. – Will Rogers

I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield

A man doesnt know what he knows until he knows what he doesnt know. – Laurence J. Peter

Im sorry, if you were right, Id agree with you. – Robin Williams

Roses are red, violets are blue, Im schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant

Money wont buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan

Im writing a book. Ive got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

A vegetarian is a person who wont eat anything that can have children. – David Brenner

Whats another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright

I have a new philosophy. Im only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. – P. J. ORourke

I bought some batteries, but they werent included. – Steven Wright

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I dont believe I deserved my friends. – Walt Whitman

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when Im upside down. – Mitch Hedberg

Im for whatever gets you through the night. – Frank Sinatra

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. – P. J. ORourke

Im not a real movie star. Ive still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. – Will Rogers

Im undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. – Hillary Clinton