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funny

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields

If my films make one more person miserable, Ill feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

Well love you just the way you are if youre perfect. – Alanis Morissette

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. Im afraid it did. – Bette Davis

I dont think anyone should write their autobiography until after theyre dead. – Samuel Goldwyn

Men are liars. Well lie about lying if we have to. Im an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. – Tim Allen

If you cant tell a spoon from a ladle, then youre fat! – Demetri Martin

If its the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? – Robin Williams

Thats my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard. – Joe Rogan

The IRS! Theyre like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! – Jerry Seinfeld

If at first you dont succeed… so much for skydiving. – Henny Youngman

If at first you dont succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. – William Lyon Phelps

Ive never been married, but I tell people Im divorced so they wont think somethings wrong with me. – Elayne Boosler

Theres nothing wrong with being shallow as long as youre insightful about it. – Dennis Miller

Theres no such thing as soy milk. Its soy juice. – Lewis Black

Theres a great power in words, if you dont hitch too many of them together. – Josh Billings

When I go to a bar, I dont go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. – David Brenner

I consider that a mans brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. – Arthur Conan Doyle

I dont have a bank account because I dont know my mothers maiden name. – Paula Poundstone

I dont deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I dont deserve that either. – Jack Benny