I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle thats 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says go outside. – Demetri Martin
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes youre really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, youre saying: Hope I dont get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers. – Demetri Martin
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it. – Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, Looks like youre writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, youll get more money. – Demetri Martin
Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think its funny. Youre just sitting there like, Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing? Its such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy. – Todd Phillips