I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldnt park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I dont have that much time. – Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. – Steven Wright
Right now Im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. – Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didnt know what to add to it. – Steven Wright
When I die, Im leaving my body to science fiction. – Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now hes gone. – Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. Its in the apartment somewhere. – Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, Im going to buy some sugar. – Steven Wright
Babies dont need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! Ill go over to a little baby and say What are you doing here? You havent worked a day in your life! – Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes. – Steven Wright
I think Gods going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. – Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, Im afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
Im writing a book. Ive got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
Whats another word for Thesaurus? – Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they werent included. – Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and Im gone. – Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like Im the only one moving. – Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, Im home now. But leave a message and Ill call when Im out. – Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday. – Steven Wright
