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Quotes by

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. – Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. – Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. – Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. – Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. – Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy. – Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age? – Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. – Steven Wright

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? – Steven Wright

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller. – Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. – Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. – Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. – Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. – Steven Wright