When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. – Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, Im home now. But leave a message and Ill call when Im out. – Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright
I think Gods going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. – Steven Wright
The wish to acquire more is admittedly a very natural and common thing and when men succeed in this they are always praised rather than condemned. But when they lack the ability to do so and yet want to acquire more at all costs, they deserve condemnation for their mistakes. – Niccolo Machiavelli