I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. – Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, Im home now. But leave a message and Ill call when Im out. – Steven Wright
I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.” – Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? – Steven Wright
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Weldings a mystery to me now. You cant go back, your life changes every day. – Billy Connolly