For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and Im gone. – Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like Im the only one moving. – Steven Wright
We advance in years somewhat in the manner of an invading army in a barren land; the age that we have reached, as the saying goes, we but hold with an outpost, and still keep open communications with the extreme rear and first beginnings of the march. – Robert Louis Stevenson, “Virginibus Puerisque II,” Virginibus Puerisque, 1881