For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? – Steven Wright
Babies dont need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! Ill go over to a little baby and say What are you doing here? You havent worked a day in your life! – Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and Im gone. – Steven Wright