I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. – Erma Bombeck
Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. – Erma Bombeck
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. – Erma Bombeck
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments. – Erma Bombeck
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. – Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. – Erma Bombeck
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. – Erma Bombeck
We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. – Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – Erma Bombeck
I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. – Erma Bombeck
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill. – Erma Bombeck
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. – Erma Bombeck
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. – Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her. – Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.” – Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. – Erma Bombeck
The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I’ve ever seen that I didn’t have to clean. – Erma Bombeck
