Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire? – Rita Rudner
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he wont get a bikini wax. – Rita Rudner
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. Thats how rich I want to be. – Rita Rudner
Weve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, its cheaper, and you get more feet. – Rita Rudner
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. – Rita Rudner
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, its quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. – Rita Rudner
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctors office was full of portraits by Picasso. – Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We cant decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. – Rita Rudner
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
Before I met my husband, Id never fallen in love. Id stepped in it a few times. – Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I dont know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, Ill break up with someone on purpose. – Rita Rudner
I love being married. Its so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didnt want him to. – Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior. – Rita Rudner
I get a lot of return business. I think its all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. – Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. Its fake. I requested fake. Maybe Im paranoid, but in this day and age, I dont want something around my neck thats worth more than my head. – Rita Rudner
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. – Rita Rudner
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. – Rita Rudner
My Vegas act is how I make my money. – Rita Rudner
