What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller
The reason women dont play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
Theres so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller
Housework cant kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller
Its a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or Id be rotten to the core. – Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. – Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. – Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. – Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller
