We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller
Many people can listen to their cat more intelligently than they can listen to their own despised body. Because they attend to their pet in a cherishing way, it returns their love. Their body, however, may have to let out an earth-shattering scream in order to be heard at all. – Marion Woodman