This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, hes Frank and in Chicago hes Ernest. – Henny Youngman
Ive got all the money Ill ever need, if I die by four oclock. – Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldnt afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. – Henny Youngman
Shes been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. – Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman wholl give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means youre in the wrong house, thats what it means. – Henny Youngman
Whats the use of happiness? It cant buy you money. – Henny Youngman
If at first you dont succeed… so much for skydiving. – Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time thats not so bad but New York City? – Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesnt pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. – Henny Youngman
Ive been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, shell kill me. – Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. – Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. – Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. – Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! – Henny Youngman
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. – Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. – Henny Youngman
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman
What is a home without children? Quiet. – Henny Youngman
