Regarding the Boy Scouts, Im very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook – George Carlin
Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. – George Carlin
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. – George Carlin
Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large. – George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. Im sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. – George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. – George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done. – George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We havent tried that for a while. Maybe this time itll work. – George Carlin
Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foots hands. – George Carlin
Theres no present. Theres only the immediate future and the recent past. – George Carlin
Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. – George Carlin
If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. – George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. – George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? – George Carlin
Religion is just mind control. – George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. – George Carlin
