You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. – George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. – George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? – George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. – George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. – George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. – George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. – George Carlin
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? – George Carlin
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so… heroic. – George Carlin
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. – George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. – George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. – George Carlin
