I am not a glutton — I am an explorer of food. – Erma Bombeck
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. – Erma Bombeck
My theory on housework is, if the item doesnt multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? – Erma Bombeck
If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair. – Erma Bombeck
When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of father is that? If you – Erma Bombeck
Im trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week. – Erma Bombeck
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. Its literary suicide. – Erma Bombeck
It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners. – Erma Bombeck
Never accept a drink from a Urologist. – Erma Bombeck
What were really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? – Erma Bombeck
My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, But thats happened to ME! I know just what shes talking about! – Erma Bombeck
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families arent dying. Theyre merging into big conglomerates. – Erma Bombeck
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. Its unbridled, its unplanned, its full of suprises. – Erma Bombeck
Ive exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. – Erma Bombeck
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years. – Erma Bombeck
Dont confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other. – Erma Bombeck
Theres nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. – Erma Bombeck
Whats with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? – Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. Youre not out of it until the computer says youre out of it. – Erma Bombeck
I havent trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. Ive never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. – Erma Bombeck
