Demetri Martin – Quotes Crazy

I like women, but you cant always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dogs name and then I asked, Does he bite? and she said, No. And I said, So how does he eat? Liar! – Demetri Martin

Stand-up is like a row boat: its fun and romantic when youre choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat its not as enjoyable thats survival. – Demetri Martin

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning Im looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then Im on the right track. – Demetri Martin

And of course I didnt make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. – Demetri Martin

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes youre really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, youre saying: Hope I dont get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers. – Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, youre stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope. – Demetri Martin

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. Id come home and go to church and everybody would say, Oh, my God. Demetri, youre working at the White House. – Demetri Martin

I didnt do improv in college, I never performed, I didnt do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. – Demetri Martin

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, whos really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. – Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle thats 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says go outside. – Demetri Martin

If you cant tell a spoon from a ladle, then youre fat! – Demetri Martin

I like to use I Cant Believe its Not Butter on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. – Demetri Martin

But what I was going to say was, I just figured Im going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. – Demetri Martin

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, Looks like youre writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, youll get more money. – Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which theyre very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then theyre kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy. – Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it. – Demetri Martin

I think its interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. – Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. – Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. – Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. – Demetri Martin