Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. – Demetri Martin
And of course I didnt make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. – Demetri Martin
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didnt want to waste it so I just wrote Jesus on it. – Demetri Martin
I like to use I Cant Believe its Not Butter on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. – Demetri Martin