On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . – Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? – Woody Allen
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. – Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. – Woody Allen
As the poet said, only God can make a tree — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. – Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up. – Woody Allen
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats. – Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen
Sex relieves tension — love causes it. – Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful — provided you get between the right man and the right woman. – Woody Allen
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. – Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. – Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? – Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead. – Woody Allen
When we lose twenty pounds… we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. – Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said “No.” – Woody Allen
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. – Woody Allen
