We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. – Rodney Dangerfield
Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wifes jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. – Rodney Dangerfield
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he cant. – Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said… Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know Im ugly… I said to a bartender, Make me a zombie. He said God beat me to it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I dont get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield
Im at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, Ive just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. – Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. – Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. – Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. – Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. – Rodney Dangerfield
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield
