I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know Im ugly… I said to a bartender, Make me a zombie. He said God beat me to it. – Rodney Dangerfield