When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. – Rodney Dangerfield
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. – Rodney Dangerfield
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Mind you, Ive always been a very off-message type of fat broad one who gladly admits she reached the size she is now solely through lack of discipline and love of pleasure, and who rather despises people (except those with proven medical conditions) who pretend that it is generally otherwise. – Julie Burchill
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