I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I dont get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. – Rodney Dangerfield
Because her instinct has told her, or because she has been reliably informed, the faded virgin knows that the supreme joys are not for her; she knows by a process of the intellect; but she can feel her deprivation no more than the young mother can feel the hardship of the virgins lot. – Arnold Bennett