With my wife I dont get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. – Rodney Dangerfield
Our worldly successes cannot be guaranteed, but our ability to achieve spiritual success is entirely up to us, thanks to the grace of God. The best advice I know is to give is to give those worldly things your best but never your all – reserve the ultimate hope for the only one who can grant it. – Mitt Romney