What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know Im ugly… I said to a bartender, Make me a zombie. He said God beat me to it. – Rodney Dangerfield
My parents were very permissive when it came to animals. As long as we earned the money to buy them and built whatever structure it was they were going to live in, we could have any kind of pet we wanted. They would have let us have a rhinoceros if we could have afforded it. – Maggie Stiefvater