The last time I saw him he was walking down lovers lane holding his own hand. – Fred Allen
An actors popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. – Fred Allen
All I know about humor is that I dont know anything about it. – Fred Allen
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. Theyre afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. – Fred Allen
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. – Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. – Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange. – Fred Allen
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. – Fred Allen
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. – Fred Allen
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. – Fred Allen
Everything is for the eye these days — TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all. – Fred Allen
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. – Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. – Fred Allen
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose. – Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host. – Fred Allen
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. – Fred Allen
I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap. – Fred Allen
