Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host. – Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. – Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. – Fred Allen
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. – Fred Allen
Like other parties of the kind, it was first silent, then talky, then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelligible, then altogether, then inarticulate, and then drunk. When we had reached the last step of this glorious ladder, it was difficult to get down again without stumbling. – George Gordon, Lord Byron