I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. – Fred Allen
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. – Fred Allen
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen
I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap. – Fred Allen
Sometimes, comics will make the observation that its not jokes that are funny, its characters that are funny. And isnt that true! Thats why I always kill jokes. Im terrible at them, because I get the joke right, but I cant get the character right, and it just goes down like a lead balloon. – David Mitchell