I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg
I like refried beans. Thats why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe theyre just as good and were just wasting time. You dont have to fry them again after all. – Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume theres someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too. – Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg