I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. – Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, Youre gonna have to move, youre blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasnt gonna run. If youre flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. – Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didnt have one. So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg
Access to books and the encouragement of the habit of reading: these two things are the first and most necessary steps in education and librarians, teachers and parents all over the country know it. It is our childrens right and it is also our best hope and their best hope for the future. – Michael Morpurgo