My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. – Billy Connolly
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. – Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly
This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, I know you. Youre that wee golfer, arent you? I say, Yeah, thats me. They say, Keep it up, wee man. Its very funny and thats why I want to stay here as long as possible. – Rory McIlroy