A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. – Mitch Hedberg
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, Youre gonna have to move, youre blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasnt gonna run. If youre flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. – Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume theres someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too. – Mitch Hedberg
Id like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. – Mitch Hedberg
The vast majority, who believe in astrology and think that the planets have nothing better to do than form a code that will tell them whether tomorrow is a good day to close a business deal or not, become all the more excited and enthusiastic about the bilge when a group of astronomers denounces it. – Isaac Asimov