What are people going to do? Fire me? Ive been fired before. Not book me? Ive been out of work before. I dont care. – Joan Rivers
She doesnt understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. – Joan Rivers
Dont tell your kids you had an easy birth or they wont respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.. – Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was the man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. – Joan Rivers
Yeah, I read history. But it doesnt make you nice. Hitler read history, too. – Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I dont care if its good things or bad things. That means youre alive. – Joan Rivers
Dont follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. – Joan Rivers
Thank God were living in a country where the skys the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. – Joan Rivers
Im Jewish. I dont work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers
I dont excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is Gods gift, thats why we call it the present. – Joan Rivers
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if youre funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. – Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over hed put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, Ill consider it. – Joan Rivers
I think Im in a business where you have to look good, and its totally youth-oriented. – Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. – Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger. – Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. – Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. – Joan Rivers
