Im Jewish. I dont work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if youre funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. – Joan Rivers
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum – “My God, the floor’s immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.” – Joan Rivers
Dont tell your kids you had an easy birth or they wont respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.. – Joan Rivers