Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. – Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
It isnt necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. – Groucho Marx
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasnt arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and Im going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Ill never know. – Groucho Marx
Im not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. – Groucho Marx
Politics doesnt make strange bedfellows – marriage does. – Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, youve got it made. – Groucho Marx
Im leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when its not raining. – Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. Hes a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx
Well, Art is Art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. – Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard. – Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. – Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt. – Groucho Marx
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. – Groucho Marx
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. – Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx
