A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
