My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if youre really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. – Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. – Mitch Hedberg
Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think its funny. Youre just sitting there like, Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing? Its such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy. – Todd Phillips
Random Quotes
Songs really are like a form of time travel because they really have moved forward in a bubble. Everyone whos connected with it, the studios gone, the musicians are gone, and the only thing thats left is this recording which was only about a three-minute period maybe 70 years ago. – Tom Waits