Women: You cant live with them, and you cant get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. – Emo Philips
Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps. – Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just cant get started until Ive had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, Ive tried other enemas. – Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men dont seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. – Emo Philips
You dont appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. – Emo Philips
I was the kid next doors imaginary friend. – Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesnt work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. – Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a persons life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise its been a pretty good day. – Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. – Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. – Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. – Emo Philips
