When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesnt work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. – Emo Philips
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
Women: You cant live with them, and you cant get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. – Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just cant get started until Ive had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, Ive tried other enemas. – Emo Philips