Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited. – Ambrose Bierce
Erudition. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. – Ambrose Bierce
Take not Gods name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. – Ambrose Bierce
Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. – Ambrose Bierce
A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. – Ambrose Bierce
An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws. – Ambrose Bierce
A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. – Ambrose Bierce
Absurdity. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with ones own opinion. – Ambrose Bierce
To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of ones voice. – Ambrose Bierce
Woman absent is woman dead. – Ambrose Bierce
Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. – Ambrose Bierce
Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. – Ambrose Bierce
Genealogy. An account of ones descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. – Ambrose Bierce
Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. – Ambrose Bierce
An optimist is a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. – Ambrose Bierce
Conservative. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. – Ambrose Bierce
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. – Ambrose Bierce
A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support. – Ambrose Bierce
Bigot, one who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. – Ambrose Bierce
Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity. – Ambrose Bierce
