Quotes by

Ambrose Bierce

Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited. – Ambrose Bierce

Erudition. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. – Ambrose Bierce

Take not Gods name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. – Ambrose Bierce

Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. – Ambrose Bierce

A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. – Ambrose Bierce

An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws. – Ambrose Bierce

A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. – Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with ones own opinion. – Ambrose Bierce

To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of ones voice. – Ambrose Bierce

Woman absent is woman dead. – Ambrose Bierce

Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. – Ambrose Bierce

Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. – Ambrose Bierce

Genealogy. An account of ones descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. – Ambrose Bierce

Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. – Ambrose Bierce

An optimist is a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. – Ambrose Bierce

Conservative. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. – Ambrose Bierce

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. – Ambrose Bierce

Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity. – Ambrose Bierce

A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support. – Ambrose Bierce

Bigot, one who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. – Ambrose Bierce