Conservative. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. – Ambrose Bierce
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. – Ambrose Bierce
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. – Ambrose Bierce
Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. – Ambrose Bierce