The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow Operation Re-elect Bush doesnt seem to be popular. – Jay Leno
Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last nights Democratic debate. – Jay Leno
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because shes strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. – Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasnt for any religious reasons. They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno
Today is Valentines Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! – Jay Leno
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced theyre getting back together. You know what that means? Theres still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. – Jay Leno
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said thats why they never hit any home runs. Its a safety issue. – Jay Leno
You arent famous until my mother has heard of you. – Jay Leno
Youre not famous until my mother has heard of you. – Jay Leno
Dont forget Mothers Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dads Third Wife Day. – Jay Leno
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. – Jay Leno
Politics is just show business for ugly people. – Jay Leno
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. – Jay Leno
Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal. – Jay Leno
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. – Jay Leno
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. – Jay Leno
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. – Jay Leno
